Dear Coach,

I have danced for many years and have wondered why some men find it necessary when leading an underarm turn to push my back as I am going under his arm.  I find this very uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful.  I have at times refused to dance with men that have this habit.  I am curious about how you feel on this subject and wonder why this is so common.

Signed: Vita, Portland, Oregon

Dear Vita,

Many dance instructors teach beginning dancers to help the lady turn by pushing on their back as they turn under a man’s arm.  I have never quite understood why this method is used to teach men how to lead and ladies how to follow.  It is just as easy to teach men that leading is just a term that is used but is actually not to be taken literally.  (Women are not horses.)  I instruct students (some new to dancing, others seasoned dancers) the secret of successful leading is not to lead but rather to indicate to the lady the direction to go and then allow the lady to dance her part.  The man and the lady need to understand the basics of leading and following without physical force.  After all, dancing is not a wrestling match…it is supposed to be a pleasant, relaxing, enjoyable activity done to music.

Ladies should be instructed to follow her hand, dancing in the direction the man is indicating, while maintaining the rhythm of the music and continuing to execute the steps of whatever dance they are dancing.

Men should dance at the level of his partner.  In other words, do not try to execute every step and turn you have ever learned with a dance partner whose skill level is at the beginner’s stage.  But also remember that it is impossible to impress a more experienced dance partner with off-rhythm steps or turns that are lead at the wrong time.  It is better to execute a few basic steps or turns comfortably and on time.  I have never ever heard women complain about dancing with a beginner dancer that keeps time to the music and executes his steps and turns with self-confidence.  I have heard many complaints about guys trying to impress the ladies with complicated intricate turns, executed without any regard for rhythm or steps.  Part of the success of following the man, is the man knowing how to keep time with the music, executing the proper steps and initiating a turn at the proper time.  It is difficult, if not impossible to follow a man that does not do this.

Many times at dances I have heard comments from ladies that they will not dance with a beginner dancer.  Another comment I have heard from ladies is that they can follow any man with a strong lead.

Well…  I have been in the dance business for along time.  Ladies should remember, there seems to be a shortage of male dancers at most dances because most beginning dancers feel intimidated by women that are better dancers.  Since we cannot change the fact that there are more women interested in dancing than men, women should be considerate of beginner dancers and encourage their efforts at learning by dancing with them and helping them get better. 

There are many ladies that follow very well at dances, but as a professional dancer, I guarantee that there are many steps that both partners must know for the lady to follow successfully.  I prefer to be a gentleman and dance at the level that is most comfortable for my dance partner.  Yes, it is possible for me to execute steps that will be impossible for my partner to follow unless she also knows the step, but why would I want her to be uncomfortable?  Just to inflate my ego, maybe?  Dancing is a social contact sport that is supposed to be enjoyable for both parties.  It is not a contest to see who knows more steps, or as I stated before, a wrestling match.

The most enjoyable dancing is that done for the fun of it.