Dear Coach,

I am an intermediate beginner dancer.  I steadily improve because of taking private instruction and group classes whenever they fit my schedule.

 I am still struggling somewhat with leading ladies that are beginner dancers, or even many times social dancers that have danced for sometime, who have no strength in their arm or do not hold a dance frame so that I can lead them.  I have been taught to hold my dance frame firm, but not overpowering the woman that I dance with.  You have instructed me on many occasions not to pull, push or “help” the lady execute her steps.  My question to you is : What do I do to lead a woman who has no strength in her arms or does not hold her dance frame or her own weight?  Without that dance frame I find it very difficult to convey what I want the lady to do.  Is there some method you use to correct this problem?

Signed, Just Plain Tired, C. Hulse, Vancouver, Washington

Dear Just Plain Tired :

Yes, I do have a solution.  Tell her you are there to dance with her, not to carry her around the dance floor.  Just kidding.  Lots of times in class I tell the person I am dancing with that I am not there to support her because I am already married.  That usually gets their attention.  Then they ask me “What do you mean?”  I say, “Well, first of all I would like to dance with you but you’re too heavy.”  Now let me tell you, that gets their blood boiling.  But this has nothing to do with weight.  I have danced with women who are very slight of build but, because they do not hold their own body weight, are extremely heavy.  By the end of the dance I feel like a tow truck.  This problem can be corrected very easily.  Never ask her to dance again!!!

But we have to get you through this first dance and answer your question.  What I do is dance just the very basic steps that anyone can generally follow.  I stay away from any steps that are more advanced, to avoid having to lead this woman into any step.  I relax my arms as much as possible so that they do not ache by the end of the dance.  I graciously thank the lady for the dance and lead her immediately back to her seat and I never ask her to dance again. 

This might sound rather hard but I feel the lady has an obligation to do her part in making our dance experience enjoyable.  That means acquiring the basic knowledge of how to hold her own body weight, as well as follow a gentleman’s lead.  This can only be done by maintaining a dance frame and learning the basic technique of following.  This knowledge is not easily picked up by just observing other dancers at social dances or learning from an untrained friend.  I truly believe that women need dance classes as much as men.  Just because you go to a lot of dances does not necessarily mean you are an accomplished dancer.  Many women complain that men don’t know how to lead.  Well ladies its time to take the bull by the horns and consider the possibility that men can’t lead you into a step because you do not know how to follow. 

I have coached many couples that the lady says, “My partner can’t lead me, can you teach him how to lead?”  Many times it is not the man’s fault, because the woman feels she can follow anything.  Not so!!!  A woman should understand the basic principals of following and this can only be learned by proper dance instruction.  Basic dance instruction used to be passed on from one generation to the other, or it was learned in gym class in school.  For the last 2 or 3 generations that information in this country has disappeared from the education of young people.  In Europe it is unthinkable for a youngster to grow up void of dance experience because they will become a social outcast.  It is simply part of your education in social graces and in communicating with the opposite sex. 

I think it is interesting that men generally reach the age of 20 before they become interested in learning how to dance.  The motivation comes from realizing that the guys that dance have all the girls.  Sometimes they learn to dance just enough to find a mate, and that ends the need to dance.  Then they listen to their wife complain because they never take them dancing.  Once you start dancing you should never stop.  It is one the the best anti aging formulas ever invented.  I have observed over the years that once a man reaches 40 or so (and usually divorced) they become interested in dancing again.  It seems to me that it would be good to make sure they learned to dance when they are teenagers.  It is much easier to learn then.  It might save a few marriages, they might stay in better shape, and it would give them self confidence in a social environment.  You know there are many sports but there is one sport that men and woman can enjoy together, and that’s dancing.

You can’t believe how many times I have had woman come up and challenge me by saying, “So you’re Remos?  I have never had a dance lesson in my life, but I can follow anything you throw at me.”  So I get up to dance with her and do nothing but basics.  At the end of the dance, she’ll say, “See, I told you I could follow anything you could throw at me.”  I just smile and thank her for the dance and return to my seat, where many times students have asked me, “Why didn’t you do a fall away slip pivot and a double reverse turn just to show her up?”  And I simply say, “Because I did not want to embarrass the lady.”  Most of the time their answer is, “Why not, she asked for it.”

Seriously, I believe all dancers, men or women, need to understand the basic fundamentals of leading and following to make the dance more enjoyable and a pleasant experience for all involved.